Satire / Parody

Circleville residents pool together for new pool

CIRCLEVILLE, OHIO – A group of residents in the city of Circleville in south central Ohio have said the city deserves a pool and they are taking matters into their own hands.

A group of north-side residents has decided to dig their own pool, which would be fractions less than the projected $1 million price tag of a professionally installed pool. A member of the group, Edna Turnbuckle said, “It’s time for a change. Our kids need something to do. Back in our day we didn’t need all the robot iPhones and clickety clackety webernets, we had the pool. Our parents would cut us loose and we’d run the town and enjoy the pool. Make babies. Now they just do drugs and fight each other on Logan Street.”  

A location for the pool has not yet been established, but the group’s proclaimed leader Edgar White said, “We will find a place. Hell, there’s already a giant pothole on Atwater. Let’s make it a pool.” White said that all the materials have been purchased including bags of quikrete, plastic tarps and shovels. When asked about what the city would think he said, “They got themselves a serial clapper down there on South Pickaway. They ain’t worried about us.”

The city of Circleville and its 13,000 residents have been pool-less since the Ted Lewis Park pool closed in 2015, with the larger pool closing two years previously. The pool closed due to several issues such as the pool being in a flood zone, leakage problems, and aging of the mechanical equipment. Several groups tried to facilitate efforts to build a new pool including a $2 million pledge from a local Rotary Club and a splash pad in the City’s Park Masterplan, though none of those attempts have come to fruition.

Hope you enjoyed! It’s just another parody piece by The Gourdian.

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